Christmas '07

Last night at Christmas Eve dinner at Woo's house, Annie asked, "Who made the green bread*?" I told her, I did.
Woo made a comment about me making good green bread.
Ruby said, "My mommy made good green bread."
Woo said, "Your mommy made the best green bread!"
I said, "She was the queen of green bread!"
Earlier in the day, as I was making the green bread, I said to Woo, "Where is she? Making green bread is her job!!"
(*Green bread is a kind of garlic bread made with scallions that Woo invented, but Anna perfected.)

Merry Christmas!

From Dario

That's a big thing to write on... Umm Mommy showed flowers as a surprise!!! Dario wants more pictures just so they can know Ruby is 7.
Love Dario
P.S. Dario is sitting on my lap looking at the mommy website for the first time in months. He says if you can put more pictures here he can put more on his computer. We watched the link to the rock video three times so we could see Anna with the funny hair and flowers.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo to everybody.

Love, Fear, Grief, Anna, and Anne Lamott

When Anna and I were at the beach together in the summer of 2005, right after she'd finished chemo but before she'd started radiation, and before the deadly spread was known, she told me about how she had really enjoyed reading Anne Lamott's book "Traveling Mercies." Anne Lamott is a hippie, ex-drug-addict freak and a writer who is also a Jesus-loving Christian. Now Anna and I, while not always agreeing on everything by any stretch, hate(d) organized religion, especially of the Christian persuasion, with equal vigor. Anyway, Anna recommended the book to me, saying that even though Lamott loved Jesus, that the book was funny and interesting and that the way Lamott described loving your kids cut to the heart of that terrifying, wonderful, all-consuming love for your kids and was so moving that I should read the book, and that the way she discussed loving Jesus was interesting and funny. Of course, I got the book, but I started to read it that fall, when the cancer came back, and one of the things happening in that book is that Lamott's best friend, Pammy, was dying of advanced breast cancer. I couldn't bear it - I liked the book, but never got through it. However, recently I read her book about the first year w/her son, which also discusses Pammy's illness a bit - "Operating Instructions" - and it made me laugh and really moved me. Lamott also lost her dad to cancer, and her words about that grief have really stuck with me and have inspired me. She says:

"I don't think you can ever really get over the death of the few people who matter most to you. It's too big. Oh, you do, the badly broken leg does heal, and you walk again, but always with a limp."

Somehow, even though some might call it bleak, I find this so inspiring. Because it acknowledges that things will never be the same, but that of course they will go on. Sucks to have a limp, but better than being doomed to a life of prostrate grief. And that limp, to carry it with you, is to carry Anna with you, IMO. Maybe I'm crazy, well that's not in dispute, but my point is just that this really brought me some comfort and so I'm posting it here.

Another thing Lamott said about grief that really has me thinking is something she said about her friend Pammy's grim breast cancer prognosis:

"What are you going to do? Life has got to be bigger than death, and love has got to be bigger than fear or this is all a total bust and we are all just going tourist class."

Love being bigger than fear is something Anna lived, as much as anyone I've ever known or probably ever will know. To think about this makes me want to follow in her footsteps.

Ruby is 7 !!

Ruby's gymnastics Hannah Montana party at Chelsea Piers in NYC!!

Chiq pulled off a great party complete with pastelitos, veggies and dip and "cool" goodie bags -- but most importantly, a fast running, jumping, spinning and rope swinging, thrilled and smiling, giggling, Ruby.

Anna would be very proud...and definitely would have been swinging off the rope and jumping into the pit.

Contributing to the delinquency of a minor?

Al Bleyle, aka Junior, sent me this story:

I was 15 and visiting Portland for a few weeks in the summer, 1995 i suppose, and my sister Jody was busy doing something so I spent the day with Anna, who was her housemate at the time. What I remember from that house: That picture of Anna and Emil with her standing on top of him with a gun I think, circa Love Butt... that photo was on the wall. I remember going on Ben and Jerry ice cream runs for everybody at a nearby Plaid Pantry or 7-11. But most of all I remember Puppa, who was my favorite. I was not intimidated by his psychoticness. When he got crazy I would just laugh and get excited. The majority of the time he was just a playful loving dog, and we would roll around on the floor for hours. So anyways, this one day i spent with Anna that summer, and we drove in her Volvo 240 to go to the movies. We saw "The Hunchback Of Notre Dame", the animated Disney one. It wasn't very good at all, which was really disappointing because the other Disney movies of that era had been real good; The Lion King, Beauty and the Beast, etc. This one marked the beginning of a new slump for Disney, or at least marked when I stopped paying much attention... Anna didn't like it either. Maybe because the movie was so bad, or maybe just because, Anna asked if I wanted to drive home. I'd never driven before. I was a few months short of getting my learners permit in New Hampshire at fifteen and a half. Also the car was standard I think... maybe I'm making that up. Either way, I had no idea about driving, and told Anna just that. She said she'd teach me, and we could take back streets the whole way, and I'd learn quick. Well...... well sure, I decided. My hair was green, I was fifteen, it was summer, why not? So I get in the drivers seat and pretty soon I'm on the road. Anna was confident in me the whole time, but really what made it easy was our joking back and forth about running over children or pet cats. I made it home fine, the most nervous moments being when I crossed major streets, but really it was no big deal and ever since I've thought: Driving? Yeah Anna taught me that!

Rock Anna

Anna's kickass guitar playing and inimitable song-writing must be chronicled. But, like lots of things, I'm just not at the chronicling stage b/c I just get too sad. Jody wrote recently that she thinks now of healthy Anna and not sick Anna as often. I do too. But I usually think of Anna in the past 5 or 10 years, when we were grown-ups, out of college. But the foundation of our friendship was built during our second coming-of-age: Reed College and the Portland era. Last night Josh and I were just randomly watching crap on YouTube and started looking at clips of Portland bands from the 90's and stuff about the X-Ray cafe, etc. It was making me really nostalgic. Anna and I used to wax nostalgic together about it, from time to time, as all of us who were there then did. It was so fun to think back about it and laugh - as Alicia would say, "Remember that time . . . " So last night we found our way to some old Hazel videos and at least two of them include Anna, but Dayglo has this great clip of her and Alicia and Anna just looks so adorable and so Anna and so young and so Anna and so vibrant and so Anna and I remember that shirt and that necklace and all of the hullabaloo about the shooting of that video featuring the nudie Emile. Anyway, there was just something about seeing her in that video that has just really set me off. I've just been so heartbroken and weepy since seeing it. Which annoys me at myself so much b/c I want to move forward and tell the fucking stories behind these things, like Anna asked us too. I want to write about Lovebutt and DEA and the crazy rock girls party at the house of rock. And as all of you as my witnesses, I will! I promise. And Emile owes us stories! Anyway, you can click here to go to the video (note the awesome young Jody, whose frontal lobe not being fully developed made her tempestuous and impulsive much of the time, but she sure could/can sing and play drums). I miss those days. Especially those days with Anna in PDX. We had so much fun.

October

This photo is from Halloween when Anna was 7. (Ruby is almost 7!) It was taken at Meadow Pond Elementary School (where Maggie and Annie now go to school!)

She was a tree. (...and oh yes, that is Nini in the back as a construction worker!)

Our mother had wrapped her in brown grocery bags covered in glue, had her roll in leaves and taped some pine branches on her head. (...even taped some leaves to her sleeves!)

As her oldest sister (I was 12), I thought this was the dumbest costume ever, and definitely, with out a doubt, told her so.

Needless to say, she won Most Original!

Anna and Otis

Otis, my son (!), came 15 days early on August 13th. Of course I thought about Anna throughout my pregnancy and wished almost every day that I could be sharing the experience w/ her and asking her advice.

When I found out that I had to have a c-section b/c Otis was breech. I was bummed, especially as it was all happening so fast (I was in active labor). And although I don't recomend a c-section, I did take some comfort in thinking that Anna had two and I imagined that her experience w/ ruby was a litle like mine w/ Otis (i.e., not a scheduled or pre-planned situation). Strange as it may sound, the fact that I had a c-section makes me feel closer to Anna, something we share from afar.

Also, I guess I always thought that I'd probably have a girl, but thanks largely to Dario, having a boy feels less strange than I think it would have otherwise.

Love,
Maud

Anna and Lucian

I'm pregnant with Anna's nephew, very pregnant, nine months pregnant. My due date is today and I've been anxiously wondering when this new little man will make his entrance. I've been thinking about Anna a lot these last few weeks, wanting to call her, to complain about the heat, the weight of my belly, my fears about having two kids.

I went to pregnancy yoga yesterday, hoping to get things moving. Anna would love this place. It's very hippie-groovy, with chanting and singing, dancing to Indian music, but also athletic-- some really hard yoga too. At the end of the class, we lie in savasana, a pose of total relaxation. I always try to take time to imagine Lucian, to connect my mind with his, my heart with his. I was concentrating on him and imagining his little head, and wondering why he was taking so long, why he hadn't come out yet. Suddenly, I had an image of Anna holding him, squeezing him and kissing him right on the lips. I immediately felt how safe he was with her, and knew why he hadn't come; who would want to leave Anna's hug? I asked her to give him her strength, her determination, her sense of humor, her love, her magnetism. *

I like to imagine them existing somewhere together in the inbetween. Kiss Anna for me, Lucian.

* As I wrote these words, the house began to shake very slightly. I went on line and found this:
"A microearthquake occurred at 10:31:15 AM (PDT) on Sunday, September 2, 2007. The magnitude 2.5 event occurred 13 km (8 miles) WNW of Lake Elsinore, CA."

It must not have been Anna; she'd never be a microearthquake.

just thinking about her today...

thinking how much she would have liked that ruby went on all the scariest rides at the south salem carnival without batting an eyelash.

thinking how proud she would be of what a great reader ruby is.

thinking how she would like to know that dario was the only one who helped plant my little vegetable garden, and is the only one who is truly delighted to see red tomatoes.

thinking how happy she would be to know that dario doesn't have to go for a heart check up for 6 months! (his longest between check ups, yet!)

thinking how unfair it is that she won't meet otis or her new nephew(when he is born).

thinking she should be in Fire Island right now in the rain with chiq and her kids.

just thinking about her today...

Letter to Anna

I posted this letter to Anna a couple of days after the anniversary of Anna's death on my blog (about my life w/my kids) and Yummy asked that I post it here as well, so I'm doing it:

Hi Dude,

It has been a year since you left our earth - it seems like yesterday and it seems like a long time. I miss you so much. I wish I believed in heaven so that I would believe we would meet again. B/c even though we are sinners both, I am sure if there were a heaven we would get to meet there again. And how fun would that be? We could smoke pot and drink bloody mary's w/o ever getting hung over and while someone else babysat the kids nearby. And we could lie in the most comfortable bed in the universe and chat and chat and chat and snuggle our babies. Just like we used to. But no heaven belief here, and you had none either, so unless we were both utterly wrong, which is impossible, we shall not meet again. I think of you so often and it pains my heart to not be able to share all that is going on w/my kids and in my life with you and to hear the same from you. The loss is so profound. But that just speaks to what a great friend you were. Even though you're gone and I miss you terribly, I have endless memories, and I have a part of you in me, forever. You were so strong, so comfortable about who you were and unapologetic about even your craziest ideas. I learned and grew a lot from being around you and following your example and through the love and support you gave me during times good and bad. You were there for the most important moments in my life, and I was there for many of yours. I wish I had been there more when you were sick. But I don't have many regrets about our friendship, except that it was cut way too short.

Why am I posting this on overpopulator? B/c I wish you were here to hear the stories I post. I miss your laugh a lot. And b/c you really understood being baby crazy, and crazy for babies and crazy in love with your kids and crazy with craziness b/c of your kids. You would not think I was crazy to want another baby. You wanted another, and maybe another after that. It was not to be. I remember how heartbroken you were when you first diagnosed w/cancer, when none of us had any idea it would take your life, and they told you that you probably should not have any more kids b/c of the estrogen. I feel so lucky to be here on this earth w/my amazing kids and yours are doing very well in spite of it all and I will always be part of their lives, I hope. Chiq and the kids are coming down to go to Oak Island w/us, like we'd done as families together for the last few summers. I know it would make you happy to know this tradition is continuing. I can't wait to see them all and to be there, but I also can't believe you won't be there too. It is going to be so hard. But we will have fun, just like you would have, and we will think of you and send all of our love for you out into the universe and hope that even if you can't feel it, that somehow it will make us all feel better, b/c you would want that too.

Love love

H

Dario's last day of school in Room One

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Zag big dig gig a plan we're going to the potty I miss Mommy and I wrote something and you have to read it. Can you read this that I wrote right here?

darrio (He spelled this himself and typed it. He also said " Amy, I miss Mommy can we write a letter or something?").

June 23, 2007 Prospect Park Brooklyn

Still in Shock

I have written so many posts today and have deleted them. Too upsetting, too sad, too infuriating. And I still can't believe it's true.

Anna died at 12:48AM, June 29th, 2006

So instead of repeating the heartbreaking details of that day last year, I'd like to ask all of you to do a breast self-exam right now, to make an appointment for a mammogram if you are over 40 or if you have more than 2 relatives who have had breast or ovarian cancer. And to make a commitment to yourselves to check your breasts every month about 8 days after your period begins.

Health and love to all.

Miss you, sister. So fucking much.

What to say?

I don't know - it's the anniversary of Anna's death today, although it really felt to me like it was yesterday, since it all started happening on the afternoon and evening of the 28th. Anyway, kind of weird for no one to say anything about it, so I'm just putting it out there, although I'm starting to feel like I'm posting way too much over here - but somebody's got to do it. Maybe a day goes by I don't think of Anna, maybe. But I don't think so, and if so, not by much. Feels so long ago, feels like yesterday. I'm waiting for it to feel okay and it definitely doesn't, and maybe it never will, but I know it will feel more okay than it does now. I also have just been thinking about what a milestone this is for Chiq - a year - he's done it, taken care of Ruby and Dario, and Dario's surgery, and all of the daily struggles of raising two small kids in Manhattan - for a year - all while suffering from his own incredible grief. That's something, it really is. He is so strong. Like Anna - did what had to be done, no matter what. I admire that.

Memories from Louise

Dear Nina and Jody,
I am not sure why I am writing now rather than last summer when Kibby
sent me your email about Anna. I don't think I had any words then. I
keep thinking about her today. Maybe because I saw Puppa's ghost in
the dog park yesterday, although what he was doing on a beach in San
Francisco, I can't figure out. I lived with Kibby and Anna (and
Puppa) on 105th St. from '96-'97 after I finished at Reed, and moved
back to NYC from Portland. I have never loved los Knicks as much as I
did then. Or dollar-slice pizza. Or shopping at Fowad.
The last time I saw Anna was in April 2003--we met on the steps of
the Metropolitan museum. It was cold, so Anna had her gator on her
head. Her hug made everything warm. The next day, it snowed.
You must miss her terribly. I only knew her a for little bit, and
that was hardly enough.
With love, Louise (Hornby)

A year ago today

I'm sure all of us remember the last time we spoke with Anna. Sadly, the last times I actually spoke with her, she was so out of breath and out of sorts that we didn't actually really talk - just said hello and goodbye - she was in the hospital. Luckily, I had seen her about six weeks prior and we had a great visit, which I blogged about before. Anyway, it was really rough not being able to communicate w/her - if I had known the end was so near, it would have been even harder. So, when she couldn't talk on the phone to me, I decided to send an email and have Yummy print it up and take it in. I have that email and I look at it all the time. At first, I felt upset that I had not said more, told her how much I loved her, said goodbye, etc. But I don't think she wanted that. And the email was all about my day-to-day life and my kids and family, which is what we always talked about, so now it has a certain beauty to me - like it kind of captured a moment in time, a snippit of what our friendship was like, rather than weird and awkward attempts at something profound and final. When I was in NYC in May, having the great visit, Anna helped me plan Sophie's bday party. She was really into it and we would talk about it constantly - she really came up w/all the good ideas. I remember when I went to Ruby's 1st bday party I was like, "I will be a failure at parenting - I can never throw a party this fun." And sometime we should blog about Anna and Chiq's parties. A worthy subject. Anyway, it was a year ago today I sent this final email to Anna. Yummy later told me that Anna read it and laughed. That made me happyl. I don't know why, but I just want to share it here. Today is Sophie's b-day and I wish I could tell Anna about this year's party. She would have been proud of it too. Anyway, here it is.

Hi Dude,

So sorry you're in the hospital again and under such frustrating
circumstances.  I hope they can figure out what's going on soon
and that you can get some relief.  I figured that until you're up
to phone chatting again, I'll send you emails through my special
couriers.

Anyway, first thing I have to tell you is that Sophie's old-school
b-day partywas a smashing success, many thanks to your good party-
planning ideas.  I think 8 kids came, which I must say was perfect
- seemed like too few in theory, but was great in reality.  They
all played for awhile and then we played pin the tail on the Scooby
on the giant Scooby I made at Kinko's and which Sophie and I colored
in w/pastels.  I did, however, forget to make the tails and had to
just cut up some paper at the very last minute, while all the kids
werewaiting, and the tails were not worthy of the awesome Scooby
we'd made, but they served their purpose.  The winner put it
right on the tail, in the right direction, etc.  Clearly a little
cheater.  He'll be sorry once the other kids wise up to his
dishonest ways. Everyone got little foam stamps from Oriental
Trading Co as prizes.  They liked it.  I used one of Josh's
tube socks as a blindfold.  I thought I was funny.  Then more
"free play,"if you will.  THen the real hit - the fishing game.
Sophie and I had decorated a white sheet using her sea-life stencils
and I cannot tell you how excited the kids were by this game.  They
got little plastic squirty fish and sharks and glowstick necklaces as
prizes.  They loved it.  The glowsticks were very popular, which I
think made the little plastic fish and sharks feel bad, but
somebody's got to be the loser.  That was really it for the games.
They were all having so much fun playing hide and seek, etc, that I
didn't want to get greedy and try my luck at freeze dance.  I made a
box cake and we stuck Sophie's Scooby action figures all over it.
The book exchange was also a great success and everyone, including Sophie,
was really into it, and it allowed kids to have the excitement of presents
w/o my child having to accumulate (more) massive piles of plastic shit
and then having to write thank you notes.  One of Sophie's friends told
her mom it was the best b-day party she had been to EVER and that she
wanted a party at her house like Sophie's and w/the book exchange.
Now that's one satisfied customer.  I hope you feel some pride and
satisfaction seeing your party-planning protege come into her own.
Fuck yeah I threw a great party!

[deleted portiona about Sophie's CMV and an alcoholic relative]

Henry and Carina are good.  Carina is walking all over and does a
victory dance when she gets excited or achieves something new.
Henry has tantrums and throws things.  If he's not holding anything
when he gets mad, he'll crawl over and get something so he can throw it.
Cute, yet annoying, yet cute all the same - you understand.

Okay, getting late here.  I am thinking of you all the time and get
updates periodically from Chiq or Jody, or whoever answers your phone
in your room.  I love you mucho.

xoxo

H

Anna's last birthday

Last year on Anna's birthday, she, Yummy and I went out to lunch at Niko's on 76th and Broadway. Anna and I split the two veggie plates of hummos, tabouli, etc and Anna ate all the olives. We realized that we had never been out together, just the three sisters, in our lives and said we would do it next year, which would have been today. Anna rarely talked about her death, but that afternoon she said that she thought 36 years was actually a long time to live and that she had done a lot in her life.

Last year, Anna had a big party at Bank St. to celebrate her birthday and to thank all the people who had been such an ENORMOUS help over the course of her illness. It was a great party and Anna was an energetic host. As Hannah said, she had been having good days and, I think, was looking very beautiful. Even with no hair and bloated from steroids, she was one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen.

A few days after her birthday, Jody's band, Team Dresch, came to New York to play a couple of shows; the show at the Knitting Factory was a benefit for Anna. Anna came and sat right backstage, singing along to every song, totally rocking out. She even got up on stage to give Marci, the drummer, something to wipe off her face; as she passed by the audience, limping and wearing a neckbrace, she pretended she was going to dive into the audience, then laughed as she came back to her seat. We were out later than she'd been in who knows how long, but the next night she insisted that we go to Brooklyn to see their other New York show. She was truly ecstatic those nights, her eyes shining with joy and love. Her energy was so vital and clear.

It is impossible that she died less than a month later. Anna, it is a very unhappy birthday for those who love you. There will always be a hole in the universe.

Birthday

As Yummy has already alluded to, it is Anna's b-day. She would have been 37. I remember her birthday last year, right around the time she found out the cancer had spread to her brain. She died a month later. I can't believe it's only been a year - how could a year seem so long? I can't believe it's been only a year - how could a year seem so short?

In mid-May of last year, I took a trip to visit her in NYC, before she knew about the brain metastases, and she was feeling well for much of my visit. Really well. We went for walks in the park and drank iced coffee and watched the Sopranos and ate at one of our favorite NYC restaurants, Awash Ethopian on 107 and Amsterdam. And laid on the bed and chatted and played with our babies and watched Carina and Dario make music. I was so happy that she was having lots of good days, as she had had so many days of unbearable pain and fatigue and nausea for so many months. It really was a wonderful time - like old times. I knew Anna was dying, but we had planned a big reunion of college friends at Anna's mom's house for mid-July, the Lovebutt reunion, and when I left NYC, I thought I'd be seeing her again soon. I didn't know it was the last time I would ever see her.

How I miss her. How we all do.

5.25

from her 8th birthday party.

Reed Obituary

A few months ago, several of us worked on an obituary for Anna for the Reed Magazine, which goes out to all Reed alum several times a year. I figured there were lots of people at Reed who knew Anna, but not so well that they would have heard about her death, and it looks like that is the case. Thank you to all of you who have already come here to share your memories of Anna - I think I am safe in speaking for Anna's family and close friends that it truly means a lot to hear your memories of her. (If you follow the links in this sentence, you will find comments made in response to the Reed obit). For those of you who didn't go to Reed (imagine that!) and don't get the magazine, here is the obituary:

Anna LoBianco ’92, June 29, in New York City, from breast cancer. Anna LoBianco received her B.A. from Reed in English. For several years following graduation, she lived in Portland, working as a youth counselor, playing guitar in the Reed psycho-rock band Lovebutt, training as a martial artist and self-defense instructor, and mentoring her beloved, crazy mutt, Puppa. She also worked in a Portland public elementary school classroom, assisting children with behavioral problems, before returning to her hometown, New York City. After earning a master’s degree in education from Bank Street College, she took a position as a special-education high school teacher in Harlem. Informally voted “strictest teacher,” LoBianco spent extensive after-school hours, focused on resolving her students’ academic and personal issues, and received, in return, their love and devotion. After becoming a mother, she took a position at Bank Street College of Education and also worked as a trainer for All Kinds ofMinds. Family and friends—including Hannah Demeritt ’92, who provided the details of this in memoriam—assert that while LoBianco’s dedication to others may be somewhat understood in this brief recounting of her life, “her inimitable personality, for which she will undoubtedly be remembered, and for which is already so sorely missed, is difficult to describe: self-assured, bold, bewitching; generous, principled, driven; zestful, passionate, loving love.” LoBianco is survived by her mother and father, two sisters; and her common-law husband, Bolivar “Chiq” Avila, and their two children, Ruby and Dario. [NOTE: Anna LoBianco requested that people share funny stories about her, following her death. If you have a memory or story—no matter how small—please take time to add it to the blog for Anna, www.annalo.blogspot.com. The stories are being collected on behalf of her children.]

There were a couple of pictures included as well, which hopefully Nina and Jody can post.

Dario writes Mommy

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"Look that's so long"-Dario May 15th

It's Alright to Cry

"It's Alright to Cry" was a song Anna and I both liked to sing. I'm always trying to get Ruby to sing it with me because she has such a stiff upper lip. I found the video on youtube. It was made in the 70's with the original singer, Rosie Grier (an All-Pro defensive tackle and part of the "Fearsome Foursome," one of the best defensive lines in football history). He also was into needlepoint. Fun to watch while you enjoy a tastee delight.

Alicia

Sandy River Secret Spot

Here's an annotated Google map of the Secret Spot on the Sandy River and the spot just down the river where Chiq scattered Anna's and Puppa's ashes.

You can zoom in and out and drag the map to see the river flow into the Columbia (to the left, West of the Secret Spot) and the Columbia into the Pacific.

Secret Spot

Here's a view that shows the Secret Spot, Mount Hood to the East, and the Columbia heading to the Pacific.

Wide view

Strawberries and Cream

This weekend I was enjoying some strawberry shortcake w/whipped cream w/my kids and thinking about how much Anna loved this tasty delight (a term she often used to describe food she liked). I think she had it every year for her b-day, courtesy of Dora, is that correct? Anyway, just made me think of her and then I remembered it again today when I was driving in to work. She really loved blueberries too. When she was really sick w/some weird tropical virus while she was pg w/Ruby, she was in the hospital and I asked her what she wanted me to bring her and she said, w/no hesitation: "blueberries!" They weren't in season, so I had to search, but I found a little pint of blueberries in a weird, fancy fruit specialty shop on Ocean Parkway, amidst all of the Kosher shops there, and took them to her and sat w/her as she ate them up. I miss fruit season with Anna.

Lucky House Steps

Lots of pictures and stories to come, but for now, here we are on the Lucky House steps after going to the Sandy River.
From bottom to top and from left to right:
Ruby, Nina, Twylo, Fred, Misty, Alicia, Pascale, Tom, Jody, Dario, Chiq, Denk, Cynthia, Libby, Krack (John) and Louisa.

At the farm with Cynthia.

Scouting the rivers

I went out to the Salmon River last week. Anna Noah and I decided once to go on a camping trip out there & then it happened to be the opening night of The Blair Witch Project and I didn't know anything about it but Anna got us there early to get in line and we made it into cinema 21. Probably the most terrifying movie I've ever seen. And then, off from there to the oregon woods.
A real sleepless one of shrieking at every breaking twig, every night bird. So scary and I know Anna got a real thrill from it. And good old puppa.

The next day we swam in what I still declare to be the coldest water in the world.

This time I did not go swimming. It was raining and foggy. Just thinking of her and missing her.
Itwould be good for us all to go out there together except for the road has been blocked off and there is about a half mile of trail which at one point is crossed by big fallen trees and a new creek.
This is my report. Anywhere else I should be scouting.. i'll try to get out to the sandy..

love love indeed
Denk

moisturizer and love

i wanted to share a quick story for dario. when his mom was pregnant with him we (maud, noah, anna, chiq and me) all shared a house out in the hamptons one weekend to go to ali marsh's wedding to fred. i have many pictures of dario inside anna's tummy - and his dad, chiq, putting moisturizer on anna's legs. he was taking really good care of anna to make sure she felt well and so dario would be safe and sound. i guess it's not really a story... and maybe his dad massaging moisturizer onto his mom's legs isn't the most earth-shattering moment -- but to me, it was just a wonderful happy image of chiq taking care of anna (and dario). and anna was so happy to pet her tummy and know that dario was in there - she couldnt wait to see him!


i also attach a couple of photos from the night that amanda guinzburg wrote about in an earlier post. we had a wonderful night reminiscing and feeling the safety of old, familiar friendships. the irony of that night (which amanda pointed out) is unbelievable. of the people assembled, i think only ali and anna knew. but look at her anna lo smiles!!!!

Chico's Tattoo

This was taken on Chiq's cell phone a couple hours after it was done.

Pictures from Alicia

To go with her recent stories.






To go with her recent stories.

Stories from Maud

Right after D was born I moved into a new apartment. Anna was the kind of mom who would go anywhere with her kids so even though D was just a little baby and I had no furniture she came downtown on the subway for a visit with Ali and Phoebe. I think Amy might have come too. We all sat on the floor taking turns holding baby Dario and then he took a nice nap on my air mattress (I didn't even have a bed yet!). Afterwards, I felt much more at home in that apartment.

Another quick one--Anna was always so proud of how smart Dario is. Whenever I would say, "I can't believe how much Dario is talking or how good he is at singing songs" or whatever it might be, Anna would get this huge smile on her face and beam at Dario and say, "I know" and Dario would smile back his cuter than cute smile which would make Anna smile even bigger and brighter. It was a very beautiful smile fest!

Love, m

Little Man. Rrubah. Chico.

I can hear her voice so clearly in my head that sometimes it scares me.
The way she called Dario, Little Man.
The way she called Ruby, Rrubah.
And Chiq, Chico with her Spanish twang.
When I read things she wrote, it's like she is standing right next to me. I can hear her that crystal clear in my brain.

Hannah, today that grief hole is swallowing me whole.

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Lovin' the Love!

The grief hole

I don't know what it is, but I've just been missing Anna so much lately and I'm just going to post about it. Of course, I always miss her, but it's been really intense lately. For me, I think it's just kind of a build up of all of the daily little things and extraordinary big things, but mostly the little things, that I would have shared w/her, and each time I can't share them with her, it hurts. Lots of stuff about our kids, as that was so much of what we talked about in recent years. But also so many little things from our more distant shared past. Alicia's post made me think about our Reed days. Then tonight, I was watching the UNC basketball game, which I never do anymore, and when they started talking about Patrick Ewing, Jr., it was just too much. Even though Anna had kind of lost interest in the b-ball in past years, how much would she have loved Patrick Jr.? And seeing old daddy Pat beaming in the stands. Anna's love of basketball certainly needs to be covered in more detail, but Patrick and Patrick Jr. made me think back to the years in the mid and late 90's in NYC when Anna and Josh and I used to watch a lot of ball. I remember one New Year's Eve (not sure what year, maybe 97 or 98?), we were supposed to go to some party, but the 3 of us just hung out at Anna's apt. on 105th and watched basketball. The funny part of this story is that we were watching the NCAA Championship game from 1982 on some Sports Classics cable channel, not an actual live game. Granted, it was one of the greatest games ever (freshman Michael Jordan, not yet a superstar, and his teammates Sam Perkins and James Worthy of UNC beat a Georgetown team that included Sleepy Floyd, and yes, a young Patrick Ewing). I think in honor of the fact that it was New Year's Eve, Anna performed a bombastic a cappella version of New York, New York, complete with chorus line kicking, that Josh and I still laugh about. It was quite memorable. Then later, after the game was over, we went to a party at some guy's fancy penthouse we didn't know and Josh leaned on this big lazy Susan that had all of the beverages on it and sent it spinning, spilling red wine and soda and whatnot all over the white carpet - Anna and I pretended we didn't know him. Anyway, it was a really fun night. Patrick Jr. made me think of it and the basketball days. And I just got so overwhelmed by that hole in my heart, this time the grief of not being able to call Anna and talk about Patrick Jr. and about that New Year's Eve, which we laughed about for many years thereafter. Know what I mean?

For Dario, From Alicia

I came to NYC to visit Anna when Dario was about 8 months old. I couldn't believe how beautiful he was with his big long eyelashes. We spent a lot of time just lounging on the bed with Ruby--all three of us snuggling Dario. Ruby loved Dario so much and would say things like, "Dario is the best name ever!" She was really good with her brother, she seemed to love the role of snuggly cuddler and big sister protectress.

Anna told me that when she when the doctors told her about Dario's heart condition she thought to herself, "my life will never be the same again."

I was really impressed with Dario's class at Bank Street. Anna put Dario in the baby front pack and off we went to catch the bus, Ruby dancing ahead of us the whole way in her rainbow skirt and "Dump Bush!" t-shirt. Dario sat in the circle with Anna and sang the welcome song. He was only eight months old! but he clearly loved school and I remember how Anna would breast feed him in the back room. When we left him at school he was in the little croissant pillow propped up and when we came back he was the still propped up clapping his hands and having a grand time! It had been over four hours!

Anna loved being a mom so much.

For Hanukkah she told me she lit the candles on her bicycle-menorah with the kids and said a funny blessing: "Baruch Hanukkah biking candles shalom" -- something like that.

When we were in college Anna was doing some kind of college service work for whatever reason and it involved having lunch with potential students who were visiting for the day. I remember that she was really impressed by one girl whose mother had died when the girl was very young. Anna was impressed by how serious, mature, and strong she seemed. After their lunch Anna really wanted to talk about the girl and how she'd been so moved by her. Anna linked the girl's impressive integrity to the death of her mother and having to go through that at such a young age. I think that was pretty unusual--for someone to make such an impression on Anna. I think about it now and think about how proud Anna would be of Dario and Ruby--and of course Chiq. For how brave they are. And I hope it will give the kids the diamond pure strength and beauty that Anna saw in that girl who also lost her mom.

Dario thinks about Mommy

Last Tuesday March 13th Dario began asking very early in the morning for new Mommy pictures. Unfortunately at that moment it was hectic in the classroom, and I couldn't figure out where we'd get new Mommy Pictures. Later that day it occurred to me to check the blog. He was so excited to see new photos of his Mommy. We printed them and added them to the growing collection. Dario spread them all out on the table while he cut some pieces of paper for Mommy.

That same day we'd gone for outing to St.John the Divine and Dario was thinking about the time we found a flower for Mommy in the Rose Garden. Sadly the Rose Garden was under construction (as well as the playground). We thought for a long time about where Dario could get another flower for Mommy. While we were cutting and printing pictures a Room One Family brought us a bouquet of flowers for curriculum night. Dario looked through all the flowers and chose a red rose for his Mommy. He asked me to take photos of him with the flower, and he spoke about he thought "Mommy likes this flower right?"

The Prince

Anna sent this on october 23, 2003 :

"My stinky old mutt,
a prince among dogs.
His beautiful spirit outlived his ailing body.
Truly loved & truly loving.

found: April 26, 1994 Portland, OR
lost: October 20, 2003 South Salem, NY

my first love..."

I was always terrified of Puppa. Was it that if I went to hug Anna he would try to bite my butt off? Was it because if I made any movement that resembled dancing, he would try to rip my throat out? Or was it that strangely human look in his eye?

Maybe it was because Anna loved him so much that I knew that he must be a creature of superior quality.

....No, he was a little scary.

Anna Lo is a Right-On Mama

"Iraqi babies deserve to grow up too."
"Iraqi mommies deserve to see their babies grow up too."
...and I think Chiq had an 'Iraqi Daddies' shirt. Can't remember which march these shirts were for, I just remember them all freezing and proud. How many marches did Anna take Ruby to?

The other shirt is
"Save your soul and your country
Dump Bush
Vote Kerry"
I think that was just for every day wear.

What were the other anti- bush tees that she had? She had, ahem, Quite A Few.

Here is a blurrrrry pic of A Lo and B Lo- that's Ruby Avila at home in New Yawk a few years ago. It's storytelling with Ru- I believe she is hamming it up for the benefit of her Mama, Jody and Denk and me- we are on the sofa facing her. Oh Ma looks so proud of her little star... then, for her closing act, Ruby slammed the book shut, rolled back, kicked her legs in the air and flashed the audience... proving she's a real Lobianco with nothing to hide.

Anna is too loved

Here's a story that came to my mind. Anna taught Girls Self-Defense classes. The name of the class would mean nothing to Dariio but it can be explained as a class that taught girls how to feel comfortable and safe and happy. The class lasted for about an hour or an hour and a half after school, but very quickly the girls started thinking Anna was so awesome they would come to her with every issue they wanted to talk about (e.g. homework, friends, parental complaints, etc..). At first, it seemed great - we had a teacher who was loved and admired as she always was, but soon everything that would happen to these girls at home or in class they would say, "I'm going to tell Anna about this...". The school and the principal started getting calls from parents, "Who is this Anna?" and we ended up having a meeting to deal with the Anna is too loved situation.

XO, Liz (Victor Holub)

Swimming

Anna loves the the beach. Our first trip together was in Puerto Rico. When we arrived to Puerto Rico Anna was ready to hit the beach. Their were five of us, Lorraine, Ethis, Angelica, Anna and myself. Anna would be the first one to rise-up early in the morning to hit the beach. She will sit there reading her book or she will go for a swim. She's an excellent strong swimmer. I believe she can out swim a shark.

Love Always,
Ramona

AKA Colette Rabin

Here's another.. probably not for the kids:

In Portland circa '93 I belonged to a gym and one hot day brought Anna
+ Maudie as my guests to swim in the pool. I only had one guest pass so
Anna took the alias "Colette Rabin". Well, sure enough, the woman who
worked at the place came out to the pool and asked if we were members
and what our names were. When Anna said "Colette Rabin". the woman
said, "No you're not. I know Collette Rabin, she's in my spnning
class". Anna, non - plussed, just kind of quietly said, "well, that's
weird" and kept on swimming.

Awesome!

Story from James

Holding Krack's Hand

Hi guys. In Portland I was with Anna and Krack and a bunch of other people at a party at the Lucky House. These skaters that no one knew showed up and started to cause trouble. They ended up throwing a full beer can at Krack, which hit him in the face, giving him a big gash in his lip. Someone volunteered to drive Krack to the emergency room and Anna and I got in the car with him. Everyone who knows Krack knows he can be a bit hard to read under normal circumstances. As we rode in the car with him, he just didn't seem to be reacting at all. It was also hard to see how bad the gash was and I learned later that it was pretty deep. So I just assumed he was ok but Anna turned to him and said, "Krack, do you want me to hold your hand?" and I remember that Krack nodded vigorously. She held his hand until we got to the hospital.

Story from Neilson

Tee Shirts

Anna's directions to making Iron On shirts:
1. Buy T Shirt Transfers. She did not specify brand (but I used Avery).
2. Choose or design the art and/or the message to print on the transfer.
3. When printing on to the transfer sheet, be sure to first find in your printer settings the "Print Mirror Image" box to check off. (This way any type will iron on correctly)
4. Follow directions included with the transfers but be sure to iron slightly longer than the directions say and be sure to focus on the corners!
5. Be sure to wash inside out, but still expect some fading & cracking.

My collection of the shirts she made.

Car names

When I met Anna she had a white Volvo 4 door sedan with those neon flowers stuck all over it - did that car have a name? It must have...

Then there was the yellow Volvo 4 door sedan - Mr. Mustard (pronounced Meeestair Mustard).

Who else?

viva la revolucion

[This was an email that Anna sent out to the family on August 30,2004]

Although I have no photos (because I am digital phobic) I wanted to report
in from the massive protest yesterday. Did any of my fine family join me?
The sun was beating down but Ruby and I made our way among the (at least 500,000) people- chanting and marveling at the array of folks- moms, anarchists, fags, upper west side liberals and lots of commies. Could "no more years" be a reality? We can only dream. . .
Some of our favorite signs: more dior less war, the worst president we never elected, bomb Texas- they have oil too, No CARBS- cheney, ashcroft, rumsfeld, Bush (and Rice.) and my #1- a picture of Edwards and Kerry with "They suck less"

Of course Ruby's shirt was a hit:
Republicans, republicans go away. Don't come back another day.

viva la revolucion!
love, love anna