Old Videos from Noah

Anna's dreams

This Sunday marks two long years of missing Anna. This is a hard week of remembering, because the memories are the painful details of two years ago. But summer is here, and Anna was summer...we all have zillions of summer Anna memories. Here is a list of her dreams that I found in one of her journals. Summer dreams, all (well, except for snowboarding and the Knicks!)...

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Hiking on the salmon river
Oregon coast – hike in to fields sleep listen for seals
B’way shows – annie a chorus line, Oklahoma
Spend every summer on the beach
Snowboard
Do Puzzles
Have BBQs on summer evenings
Dance in summer rain
Watch for Oregon rainbows
Ride bikes – long rides too and camping
Read Charlotte’s Web together
Go see outdoor music concerts
Crafts: tie dye, batik, potato prints, make t-shirts make jewelry
Eat dinner together and talk about our days
Write/tell stories
Drive cross country
Play wiffleball
Go to a Knicks game
Go to a Mets/Yankees game

Mostly now I am worried I am not living full enough – where are my mountains, oceans, hikes, camping, ice-cold water, swims, running dogs, spicy foods, shining sun, snow boarding, organic salsa + chips + large pine trees
I crave these things
Sharing the love and joy of these experiences

I too want to live as madly as deeply as I can

Be so acutely aware of love and small pleasures – savoring the moments

Still able to be radical, and live freely, and still feel connected to the earth – the beautiful earth.

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Ruby and Dario, these are the things she did with you, and the things she wanted to spend 100 years doing with you. You are her love and joy.

The picture at the top of this post is from the forest in Oregon where a bunch of us (including Chico, Ruby, and Dario) are going camping this summer. We'll be sure to post pictures of us in this very spot looking for amphibians and rainbows!

just thinking about her today...

thinking how much she would have liked that ruby went on all the scariest rides at the south salem carnival without batting an eyelash.

thinking how proud she would be of what a great reader ruby is.

thinking how she would like to know that dario was the only one who helped plant my little vegetable garden, and is the only one who is truly delighted to see red tomatoes.

thinking how happy she would be to know that dario doesn't have to go for a heart check up for 6 months! (his longest between check ups, yet!)

thinking how unfair it is that she won't meet otis or her new nephew(when he is born).

thinking she should be in Fire Island right now in the rain with chiq and her kids.

just thinking about her today...

Pictures from Alicia

To go with her recent stories.






To go with her recent stories.

Stories from Maud

Right after D was born I moved into a new apartment. Anna was the kind of mom who would go anywhere with her kids so even though D was just a little baby and I had no furniture she came downtown on the subway for a visit with Ali and Phoebe. I think Amy might have come too. We all sat on the floor taking turns holding baby Dario and then he took a nice nap on my air mattress (I didn't even have a bed yet!). Afterwards, I felt much more at home in that apartment.

Another quick one--Anna was always so proud of how smart Dario is. Whenever I would say, "I can't believe how much Dario is talking or how good he is at singing songs" or whatever it might be, Anna would get this huge smile on her face and beam at Dario and say, "I know" and Dario would smile back his cuter than cute smile which would make Anna smile even bigger and brighter. It was a very beautiful smile fest!

Love, m

Little Man. Rrubah. Chico.

I can hear her voice so clearly in my head that sometimes it scares me.
The way she called Dario, Little Man.
The way she called Ruby, Rrubah.
And Chiq, Chico with her Spanish twang.
When I read things she wrote, it's like she is standing right next to me. I can hear her that crystal clear in my brain.

Hannah, today that grief hole is swallowing me whole.

For Dario, From Alicia

I came to NYC to visit Anna when Dario was about 8 months old. I couldn't believe how beautiful he was with his big long eyelashes. We spent a lot of time just lounging on the bed with Ruby--all three of us snuggling Dario. Ruby loved Dario so much and would say things like, "Dario is the best name ever!" She was really good with her brother, she seemed to love the role of snuggly cuddler and big sister protectress.

Anna told me that when she when the doctors told her about Dario's heart condition she thought to herself, "my life will never be the same again."

I was really impressed with Dario's class at Bank Street. Anna put Dario in the baby front pack and off we went to catch the bus, Ruby dancing ahead of us the whole way in her rainbow skirt and "Dump Bush!" t-shirt. Dario sat in the circle with Anna and sang the welcome song. He was only eight months old! but he clearly loved school and I remember how Anna would breast feed him in the back room. When we left him at school he was in the little croissant pillow propped up and when we came back he was the still propped up clapping his hands and having a grand time! It had been over four hours!

Anna loved being a mom so much.

For Hanukkah she told me she lit the candles on her bicycle-menorah with the kids and said a funny blessing: "Baruch Hanukkah biking candles shalom" -- something like that.

When we were in college Anna was doing some kind of college service work for whatever reason and it involved having lunch with potential students who were visiting for the day. I remember that she was really impressed by one girl whose mother had died when the girl was very young. Anna was impressed by how serious, mature, and strong she seemed. After their lunch Anna really wanted to talk about the girl and how she'd been so moved by her. Anna linked the girl's impressive integrity to the death of her mother and having to go through that at such a young age. I think that was pretty unusual--for someone to make such an impression on Anna. I think about it now and think about how proud Anna would be of Dario and Ruby--and of course Chiq. For how brave they are. And I hope it will give the kids the diamond pure strength and beauty that Anna saw in that girl who also lost her mom.

Dario thinks about Mommy

Last Tuesday March 13th Dario began asking very early in the morning for new Mommy pictures. Unfortunately at that moment it was hectic in the classroom, and I couldn't figure out where we'd get new Mommy Pictures. Later that day it occurred to me to check the blog. He was so excited to see new photos of his Mommy. We printed them and added them to the growing collection. Dario spread them all out on the table while he cut some pieces of paper for Mommy.

That same day we'd gone for outing to St.John the Divine and Dario was thinking about the time we found a flower for Mommy in the Rose Garden. Sadly the Rose Garden was under construction (as well as the playground). We thought for a long time about where Dario could get another flower for Mommy. While we were cutting and printing pictures a Room One Family brought us a bouquet of flowers for curriculum night. Dario looked through all the flowers and chose a red rose for his Mommy. He asked me to take photos of him with the flower, and he spoke about he thought "Mommy likes this flower right?"

The Mommy Flower

Damp and overcast day. Too warm and the air too thick to be November. Hair curls. Kids run. They leave their coats and hats in our waiting arms. Let's play chase. The Rose Garden at the Cathedral of St.John the Divine is leafless, seemingly barren. The play area clearly marked by spongy AstroTurf. We say, "Do not run past the red!". Each child in his or her own way finds a means of extending the boundaries of the turf. Will and Lara find an interesting pile of mud, stuck with leaves yellow and gold. Kai finds a green bench and loses his too big red rain boots. Ava chases her shadow in circles. Dario spins and dances turning purposefully towards the off limits rose garden.
'Dario come back! Remember to stay in the red!' I say.
'But I need to get that flower for mommy!'
What flower? The garden appears bare of roses.

Dario rejoins his peers and finds a special stick. He sings and dances the stick into a a large bush as another child takes off running for the rose garden. "Stop!" is not heard but felt when I have caught him myself in the middle of the rose garden. I see to my surprise, the flower for mommy. Pale pink spray rose still blooming small and steady on a very pale vine. Without hesitation I pick the flower and gingerly carry it and the child back to Dario.

'Look Dario, I found your mommy flower!'
'Oh! My mommy flower!'
Dario smiles and takes it quickly into his hands and begins to sniff the sweetness of this autumn rose.
'Look! Look! Do you want to see the flower for my mommy?' He excitedly asks his friends as he passes the small stem around to his eager peers. The stem begins to break. I carry it carefully back to school.

We water the rose in a clear plastic dixie cup. 'The water is for your mommy flower to drink when it gets thirsty'.

The Mommy flower sits by Dario at lunch and snack each day for the next week. He asks to see it frequently and carefully holds the cup in two hands as he sticks his nose in the petals. He continues to share this gift. ' Do you want to see my special Mommy flower?'

It's a rose. And yes, yes we all want to see the flower you picked for your mommy.
The rose drinks the water , it's petals soften and begin to brown. Do not despair there are more roses in the cathedral garden. And flowers are a good way for you to think about your mommy and remember her.
'Yeah! We can go back to the garden and pick mommy more flowers'.