just thinking about her today...

thinking how much she would have liked that ruby went on all the scariest rides at the south salem carnival without batting an eyelash.

thinking how proud she would be of what a great reader ruby is.

thinking how she would like to know that dario was the only one who helped plant my little vegetable garden, and is the only one who is truly delighted to see red tomatoes.

thinking how happy she would be to know that dario doesn't have to go for a heart check up for 6 months! (his longest between check ups, yet!)

thinking how unfair it is that she won't meet otis or her new nephew(when he is born).

thinking she should be in Fire Island right now in the rain with chiq and her kids.

just thinking about her today...

Letter to Anna

I posted this letter to Anna a couple of days after the anniversary of Anna's death on my blog (about my life w/my kids) and Yummy asked that I post it here as well, so I'm doing it:

Hi Dude,

It has been a year since you left our earth - it seems like yesterday and it seems like a long time. I miss you so much. I wish I believed in heaven so that I would believe we would meet again. B/c even though we are sinners both, I am sure if there were a heaven we would get to meet there again. And how fun would that be? We could smoke pot and drink bloody mary's w/o ever getting hung over and while someone else babysat the kids nearby. And we could lie in the most comfortable bed in the universe and chat and chat and chat and snuggle our babies. Just like we used to. But no heaven belief here, and you had none either, so unless we were both utterly wrong, which is impossible, we shall not meet again. I think of you so often and it pains my heart to not be able to share all that is going on w/my kids and in my life with you and to hear the same from you. The loss is so profound. But that just speaks to what a great friend you were. Even though you're gone and I miss you terribly, I have endless memories, and I have a part of you in me, forever. You were so strong, so comfortable about who you were and unapologetic about even your craziest ideas. I learned and grew a lot from being around you and following your example and through the love and support you gave me during times good and bad. You were there for the most important moments in my life, and I was there for many of yours. I wish I had been there more when you were sick. But I don't have many regrets about our friendship, except that it was cut way too short.

Why am I posting this on overpopulator? B/c I wish you were here to hear the stories I post. I miss your laugh a lot. And b/c you really understood being baby crazy, and crazy for babies and crazy in love with your kids and crazy with craziness b/c of your kids. You would not think I was crazy to want another baby. You wanted another, and maybe another after that. It was not to be. I remember how heartbroken you were when you first diagnosed w/cancer, when none of us had any idea it would take your life, and they told you that you probably should not have any more kids b/c of the estrogen. I feel so lucky to be here on this earth w/my amazing kids and yours are doing very well in spite of it all and I will always be part of their lives, I hope. Chiq and the kids are coming down to go to Oak Island w/us, like we'd done as families together for the last few summers. I know it would make you happy to know this tradition is continuing. I can't wait to see them all and to be there, but I also can't believe you won't be there too. It is going to be so hard. But we will have fun, just like you would have, and we will think of you and send all of our love for you out into the universe and hope that even if you can't feel it, that somehow it will make us all feel better, b/c you would want that too.

Love love

H

Dario's last day of school in Room One

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Zag big dig gig a plan we're going to the potty I miss Mommy and I wrote something and you have to read it. Can you read this that I wrote right here?

darrio (He spelled this himself and typed it. He also said " Amy, I miss Mommy can we write a letter or something?").

June 23, 2007 Prospect Park Brooklyn

Still in Shock

I have written so many posts today and have deleted them. Too upsetting, too sad, too infuriating. And I still can't believe it's true.

Anna died at 12:48AM, June 29th, 2006

So instead of repeating the heartbreaking details of that day last year, I'd like to ask all of you to do a breast self-exam right now, to make an appointment for a mammogram if you are over 40 or if you have more than 2 relatives who have had breast or ovarian cancer. And to make a commitment to yourselves to check your breasts every month about 8 days after your period begins.

Health and love to all.

Miss you, sister. So fucking much.

What to say?

I don't know - it's the anniversary of Anna's death today, although it really felt to me like it was yesterday, since it all started happening on the afternoon and evening of the 28th. Anyway, kind of weird for no one to say anything about it, so I'm just putting it out there, although I'm starting to feel like I'm posting way too much over here - but somebody's got to do it. Maybe a day goes by I don't think of Anna, maybe. But I don't think so, and if so, not by much. Feels so long ago, feels like yesterday. I'm waiting for it to feel okay and it definitely doesn't, and maybe it never will, but I know it will feel more okay than it does now. I also have just been thinking about what a milestone this is for Chiq - a year - he's done it, taken care of Ruby and Dario, and Dario's surgery, and all of the daily struggles of raising two small kids in Manhattan - for a year - all while suffering from his own incredible grief. That's something, it really is. He is so strong. Like Anna - did what had to be done, no matter what. I admire that.

Memories from Louise

Dear Nina and Jody,
I am not sure why I am writing now rather than last summer when Kibby
sent me your email about Anna. I don't think I had any words then. I
keep thinking about her today. Maybe because I saw Puppa's ghost in
the dog park yesterday, although what he was doing on a beach in San
Francisco, I can't figure out. I lived with Kibby and Anna (and
Puppa) on 105th St. from '96-'97 after I finished at Reed, and moved
back to NYC from Portland. I have never loved los Knicks as much as I
did then. Or dollar-slice pizza. Or shopping at Fowad.
The last time I saw Anna was in April 2003--we met on the steps of
the Metropolitan museum. It was cold, so Anna had her gator on her
head. Her hug made everything warm. The next day, it snowed.
You must miss her terribly. I only knew her a for little bit, and
that was hardly enough.
With love, Louise (Hornby)