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Lovin' the Love!

The grief hole

I don't know what it is, but I've just been missing Anna so much lately and I'm just going to post about it. Of course, I always miss her, but it's been really intense lately. For me, I think it's just kind of a build up of all of the daily little things and extraordinary big things, but mostly the little things, that I would have shared w/her, and each time I can't share them with her, it hurts. Lots of stuff about our kids, as that was so much of what we talked about in recent years. But also so many little things from our more distant shared past. Alicia's post made me think about our Reed days. Then tonight, I was watching the UNC basketball game, which I never do anymore, and when they started talking about Patrick Ewing, Jr., it was just too much. Even though Anna had kind of lost interest in the b-ball in past years, how much would she have loved Patrick Jr.? And seeing old daddy Pat beaming in the stands. Anna's love of basketball certainly needs to be covered in more detail, but Patrick and Patrick Jr. made me think back to the years in the mid and late 90's in NYC when Anna and Josh and I used to watch a lot of ball. I remember one New Year's Eve (not sure what year, maybe 97 or 98?), we were supposed to go to some party, but the 3 of us just hung out at Anna's apt. on 105th and watched basketball. The funny part of this story is that we were watching the NCAA Championship game from 1982 on some Sports Classics cable channel, not an actual live game. Granted, it was one of the greatest games ever (freshman Michael Jordan, not yet a superstar, and his teammates Sam Perkins and James Worthy of UNC beat a Georgetown team that included Sleepy Floyd, and yes, a young Patrick Ewing). I think in honor of the fact that it was New Year's Eve, Anna performed a bombastic a cappella version of New York, New York, complete with chorus line kicking, that Josh and I still laugh about. It was quite memorable. Then later, after the game was over, we went to a party at some guy's fancy penthouse we didn't know and Josh leaned on this big lazy Susan that had all of the beverages on it and sent it spinning, spilling red wine and soda and whatnot all over the white carpet - Anna and I pretended we didn't know him. Anyway, it was a really fun night. Patrick Jr. made me think of it and the basketball days. And I just got so overwhelmed by that hole in my heart, this time the grief of not being able to call Anna and talk about Patrick Jr. and about that New Year's Eve, which we laughed about for many years thereafter. Know what I mean?

For Dario, From Alicia

I came to NYC to visit Anna when Dario was about 8 months old. I couldn't believe how beautiful he was with his big long eyelashes. We spent a lot of time just lounging on the bed with Ruby--all three of us snuggling Dario. Ruby loved Dario so much and would say things like, "Dario is the best name ever!" She was really good with her brother, she seemed to love the role of snuggly cuddler and big sister protectress.

Anna told me that when she when the doctors told her about Dario's heart condition she thought to herself, "my life will never be the same again."

I was really impressed with Dario's class at Bank Street. Anna put Dario in the baby front pack and off we went to catch the bus, Ruby dancing ahead of us the whole way in her rainbow skirt and "Dump Bush!" t-shirt. Dario sat in the circle with Anna and sang the welcome song. He was only eight months old! but he clearly loved school and I remember how Anna would breast feed him in the back room. When we left him at school he was in the little croissant pillow propped up and when we came back he was the still propped up clapping his hands and having a grand time! It had been over four hours!

Anna loved being a mom so much.

For Hanukkah she told me she lit the candles on her bicycle-menorah with the kids and said a funny blessing: "Baruch Hanukkah biking candles shalom" -- something like that.

When we were in college Anna was doing some kind of college service work for whatever reason and it involved having lunch with potential students who were visiting for the day. I remember that she was really impressed by one girl whose mother had died when the girl was very young. Anna was impressed by how serious, mature, and strong she seemed. After their lunch Anna really wanted to talk about the girl and how she'd been so moved by her. Anna linked the girl's impressive integrity to the death of her mother and having to go through that at such a young age. I think that was pretty unusual--for someone to make such an impression on Anna. I think about it now and think about how proud Anna would be of Dario and Ruby--and of course Chiq. For how brave they are. And I hope it will give the kids the diamond pure strength and beauty that Anna saw in that girl who also lost her mom.

Dario thinks about Mommy

Last Tuesday March 13th Dario began asking very early in the morning for new Mommy pictures. Unfortunately at that moment it was hectic in the classroom, and I couldn't figure out where we'd get new Mommy Pictures. Later that day it occurred to me to check the blog. He was so excited to see new photos of his Mommy. We printed them and added them to the growing collection. Dario spread them all out on the table while he cut some pieces of paper for Mommy.

That same day we'd gone for outing to St.John the Divine and Dario was thinking about the time we found a flower for Mommy in the Rose Garden. Sadly the Rose Garden was under construction (as well as the playground). We thought for a long time about where Dario could get another flower for Mommy. While we were cutting and printing pictures a Room One Family brought us a bouquet of flowers for curriculum night. Dario looked through all the flowers and chose a red rose for his Mommy. He asked me to take photos of him with the flower, and he spoke about he thought "Mommy likes this flower right?"

The Prince

Anna sent this on october 23, 2003 :

"My stinky old mutt,
a prince among dogs.
His beautiful spirit outlived his ailing body.
Truly loved & truly loving.

found: April 26, 1994 Portland, OR
lost: October 20, 2003 South Salem, NY

my first love..."

I was always terrified of Puppa. Was it that if I went to hug Anna he would try to bite my butt off? Was it because if I made any movement that resembled dancing, he would try to rip my throat out? Or was it that strangely human look in his eye?

Maybe it was because Anna loved him so much that I knew that he must be a creature of superior quality.

....No, he was a little scary.

Anna Lo is a Right-On Mama

"Iraqi babies deserve to grow up too."
"Iraqi mommies deserve to see their babies grow up too."
...and I think Chiq had an 'Iraqi Daddies' shirt. Can't remember which march these shirts were for, I just remember them all freezing and proud. How many marches did Anna take Ruby to?

The other shirt is
"Save your soul and your country
Dump Bush
Vote Kerry"
I think that was just for every day wear.

What were the other anti- bush tees that she had? She had, ahem, Quite A Few.

Here is a blurrrrry pic of A Lo and B Lo- that's Ruby Avila at home in New Yawk a few years ago. It's storytelling with Ru- I believe she is hamming it up for the benefit of her Mama, Jody and Denk and me- we are on the sofa facing her. Oh Ma looks so proud of her little star... then, for her closing act, Ruby slammed the book shut, rolled back, kicked her legs in the air and flashed the audience... proving she's a real Lobianco with nothing to hide.