Happy 41derful!

Who would you be today, or your 41st birthday, if you had lived?

We are all poorer for the lack of you.
lovelove,
neen

Miss you my sister

Just watched the Hazel Day-Glo video and there you are, so tough and cool and beautiful, and I just want you to come over and sit on the couch and laugh and eat, gossip. I will make green bread.

Oh my little sister, I couldn't save you.

Four and a half years later and it's still impossible that you are gone.

Time passes...

Maggie wrote the following poems four years ago. She was going to try and read them at Anna's memorial service but she couldn't.

Hi I am Maggie Helmes, I am 9 years old. I am the oldest niece of Sa. I wrote 3 poems for Sa. I wrote a cinquian, an ode and an acrostic poem. My first poem will be my cinquian.

Sa
Very Caring
Friends of many
Tried to beat cancer
Brave

Ode to Sa
Sa, you were as sweet as a chocolate chip cookie. You
were as caring as a lamb. You were as brave as an
Indian warrior. You were the friendliest person in the
world because you have amazing friends. You are now
a shining star and not sick anymore. We will always
remember you and miss you. We love you so much.

ANNA
A person that
Nobody will forget
Never stopped trying to get better
Always will be in our hearts

-Maggie Helmes, June 2006

And now, four years later, Maggie is 13 years old and wrote the following for her 7th grade English class.

Her Car.

Her faded yellow, old worn down car.

Chips of paint scatter beneath it on the grimy gravel,

Weeds weave around the flat tires,

Mud is caked upon the smudged glass windows,

Dirt and Dust blanket the car,

hiding it from the pain and grief surrounding it.

Abandoned, it waits for her,

to sit in the seats, replacing the mold with warmth and love,

to touch the steering wheel, wiping away the cobwebs with the tenderness of

her hands

to drive away from the sadness and tears to a place full of celebration

and happiness.

It waits

And waits

And waits.

No one tells it she won’t come back.

So it keeps waiting

With its

Stained carpets

Rotten odor

And many memories

Of

Laughter.

Joy.

Death.

~Maggie Helmes, June 2010

Four years has gone by so quickly, but at the same time, it seems like forever.

xxoo

Yum

Four-Oh.

I can only imagine the birthday bash for your 40th. Everyone is telling me to celebrate on your behalf, but it's not in me to celebrate when I'm missing you so much. But I will do my best and will fake it: strawberries, pound cake, and whipped cream for the kids tonight in you honor.

Old Videos from Noah

Thinking of you and your hugs

I miss you and love love.

Earth to Anna: Happy Birthday

It is you I remember on this day, dear friend, not the veterans, which you would like. Still miss you madly and constantly. Maybe this birthday will move me to scan some old pictures. love love.

I still miss your hugs.

I keep dreaming about Anna. Anyone else? It's almost 3 yrs. and I feel like it's only now hitting me fully. Like someone said then: I'd have sooner believed she'd have a Nobel Peace Prize by now than this. I miss her and I thank her for constantly reminding me to be grateful. It just makes no sense at all.

I keep reading about the new production of "Hair" and thinking that I'd drag her to go with me so we could relive our nights watching the movie at my apt. Maybe we should rally a group and go?

Times are tough for everybody but every time I catch myself complaining, I think what she'd tell me: "Suck it up boy." And then I think that it's a luxury to even have tough times. I wish she hadn't taught me that. But she did. I love you Anna and I know it's so selfish- but I could use one of your amazing full-bosomed hugs.

Obama Anna

Anna how I wish you had been here to celebrate with us this week this most historic and joyful moment. You would have loved Obama, this I know, and I thought about you so much on election night as I was experiencing that unadulterated joy, running around in my yard in the rain w/fairy wings on, screaming "Obama," and calling everyone close to me to share the joy. I so wanted to talk to you. You'd be pissed about prop 8, but how happy you would be for your children (both Ruby and Dario, as well as all those you taught over the years) to see this brown man elected as pres - and in NC too of all places!

Lovebutt Junior Reunion

We had an amazing summer reunion in August. The Bleyle-Landeys, Avila-LoBiancos, Cohen-Fishers, Denkewalter, Mr. Johns, and Auntie Cynthia Star were all there. We rented a huge cabin outside Salem, Oregon in protected forest lands. We sang songs, ate great hippie food that Anna would have LOVED, played "old growth fir, spotted owl, and flying squirrel" (which is like complicated tag). Brave Ruby is the only one who conquered the cold and swam in the beautiful crystal river.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/12616997@N07/sets/72157607454026928/

http://landey.smugmug.com/gallery/5919219_GNXiT

A Day in the Park

Ruby's first Strawberry Lemonade at Cafe Lalo

Two Years Today

Miss eating and laughing with you, sister.

Anna's dreams

This Sunday marks two long years of missing Anna. This is a hard week of remembering, because the memories are the painful details of two years ago. But summer is here, and Anna was summer...we all have zillions of summer Anna memories. Here is a list of her dreams that I found in one of her journals. Summer dreams, all (well, except for snowboarding and the Knicks!)...

------------------------------------------

Hiking on the salmon river
Oregon coast – hike in to fields sleep listen for seals
B’way shows – annie a chorus line, Oklahoma
Spend every summer on the beach
Snowboard
Do Puzzles
Have BBQs on summer evenings
Dance in summer rain
Watch for Oregon rainbows
Ride bikes – long rides too and camping
Read Charlotte’s Web together
Go see outdoor music concerts
Crafts: tie dye, batik, potato prints, make t-shirts make jewelry
Eat dinner together and talk about our days
Write/tell stories
Drive cross country
Play wiffleball
Go to a Knicks game
Go to a Mets/Yankees game

Mostly now I am worried I am not living full enough – where are my mountains, oceans, hikes, camping, ice-cold water, swims, running dogs, spicy foods, shining sun, snow boarding, organic salsa + chips + large pine trees
I crave these things
Sharing the love and joy of these experiences

I too want to live as madly as deeply as I can

Be so acutely aware of love and small pleasures – savoring the moments

Still able to be radical, and live freely, and still feel connected to the earth – the beautiful earth.

-----------------------------------

Ruby and Dario, these are the things she did with you, and the things she wanted to spend 100 years doing with you. You are her love and joy.

The picture at the top of this post is from the forest in Oregon where a bunch of us (including Chico, Ruby, and Dario) are going camping this summer. We'll be sure to post pictures of us in this very spot looking for amphibians and rainbows!

May 25

Just thinking about Anna on this sad happy day. Here's a photo I found from high school - it's total Anna: strength, humor, joy, fight. Love you Anna. I miss you and your amazing hugs so much. Happy Birthday. Druckaaah

Four!!

Christmas '07

Last night at Christmas Eve dinner at Woo's house, Annie asked, "Who made the green bread*?" I told her, I did.
Woo made a comment about me making good green bread.
Ruby said, "My mommy made good green bread."
Woo said, "Your mommy made the best green bread!"
I said, "She was the queen of green bread!"
Earlier in the day, as I was making the green bread, I said to Woo, "Where is she? Making green bread is her job!!"
(*Green bread is a kind of garlic bread made with scallions that Woo invented, but Anna perfected.)

Merry Christmas!

From Dario

That's a big thing to write on... Umm Mommy showed flowers as a surprise!!! Dario wants more pictures just so they can know Ruby is 7.
Love Dario
P.S. Dario is sitting on my lap looking at the mommy website for the first time in months. He says if you can put more pictures here he can put more on his computer. We watched the link to the rock video three times so we could see Anna with the funny hair and flowers.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo to everybody.

Love, Fear, Grief, Anna, and Anne Lamott

When Anna and I were at the beach together in the summer of 2005, right after she'd finished chemo but before she'd started radiation, and before the deadly spread was known, she told me about how she had really enjoyed reading Anne Lamott's book "Traveling Mercies." Anne Lamott is a hippie, ex-drug-addict freak and a writer who is also a Jesus-loving Christian. Now Anna and I, while not always agreeing on everything by any stretch, hate(d) organized religion, especially of the Christian persuasion, with equal vigor. Anyway, Anna recommended the book to me, saying that even though Lamott loved Jesus, that the book was funny and interesting and that the way Lamott described loving your kids cut to the heart of that terrifying, wonderful, all-consuming love for your kids and was so moving that I should read the book, and that the way she discussed loving Jesus was interesting and funny. Of course, I got the book, but I started to read it that fall, when the cancer came back, and one of the things happening in that book is that Lamott's best friend, Pammy, was dying of advanced breast cancer. I couldn't bear it - I liked the book, but never got through it. However, recently I read her book about the first year w/her son, which also discusses Pammy's illness a bit - "Operating Instructions" - and it made me laugh and really moved me. Lamott also lost her dad to cancer, and her words about that grief have really stuck with me and have inspired me. She says:

"I don't think you can ever really get over the death of the few people who matter most to you. It's too big. Oh, you do, the badly broken leg does heal, and you walk again, but always with a limp."

Somehow, even though some might call it bleak, I find this so inspiring. Because it acknowledges that things will never be the same, but that of course they will go on. Sucks to have a limp, but better than being doomed to a life of prostrate grief. And that limp, to carry it with you, is to carry Anna with you, IMO. Maybe I'm crazy, well that's not in dispute, but my point is just that this really brought me some comfort and so I'm posting it here.

Another thing Lamott said about grief that really has me thinking is something she said about her friend Pammy's grim breast cancer prognosis:

"What are you going to do? Life has got to be bigger than death, and love has got to be bigger than fear or this is all a total bust and we are all just going tourist class."

Love being bigger than fear is something Anna lived, as much as anyone I've ever known or probably ever will know. To think about this makes me want to follow in her footsteps.

Ruby is 7 !!

Ruby's gymnastics Hannah Montana party at Chelsea Piers in NYC!!

Chiq pulled off a great party complete with pastelitos, veggies and dip and "cool" goodie bags -- but most importantly, a fast running, jumping, spinning and rope swinging, thrilled and smiling, giggling, Ruby.

Anna would be very proud...and definitely would have been swinging off the rope and jumping into the pit.