I'm pregnant with Anna's nephew, very pregnant, nine months pregnant. My due date is today and I've been anxiously wondering when this new little man will make his entrance. I've been thinking about Anna a lot these last few weeks, wanting to call her, to complain about the heat, the weight of my belly, my fears about having two kids.
I went to pregnancy yoga yesterday, hoping to get things moving. Anna would love this place. It's very hippie-groovy, with chanting and singing, dancing to Indian music, but also athletic-- some really hard yoga too. At the end of the class, we lie in savasana, a pose of total relaxation. I always try to take time to imagine Lucian, to connect my mind with his, my heart with his. I was concentrating on him and imagining his little head, and wondering why he was taking so long, why he hadn't come out yet. Suddenly, I had an image of Anna holding him, squeezing him and kissing him right on the lips. I immediately felt how safe he was with her, and knew why he hadn't come; who would want to leave Anna's hug? I asked her to give him her strength, her determination, her sense of humor, her love, her magnetism. *
I like to imagine them existing somewhere together in the inbetween. Kiss Anna for me, Lucian.
* As I wrote these words, the house began to shake very slightly. I went on line and found this:
"A microearthquake occurred at 10:31:15 AM (PDT) on Sunday, September 2, 2007. The magnitude 2.5 event occurred 13 km (8 miles) WNW of Lake Elsinore, CA."
It must not have been Anna; she'd never be a microearthquake.
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Oh Nina. How sad for Anna and Lucian not to meet in this world. But what a nice image of her hugging him tight. Who would want to leave that hug? I have been thinking so much about her lately (as if this is different from any other time in the last year or so), and of you and Lucian, and of Yummy, and of Dora, and of course of Chiq and the kids. I've been reading everyone's posts, but for once not having anything to say. I've been wondering to myself: do all roads lead to Anna? Certainly not, but sometimes it feels like that, or at least it feels like I probably never fully appreciated during her life how much space she takes up in my mind and in my heart. But in a good way, just inter-connections. Like the other day I heard a news story about how 37 people die on roller coasters worldwide every year and a significant percentage of the deaths are believed to be cardiac related. I really wanted to talk to Anna about this, b/c we rode the Cyclone together at Coney Island and I am pretty sure that I only narrowly escaped becoming one of the above-mentioned statistics. And about how we laughed for so long about how freaked out I was. But then it also made me think about how when I said I would ride it, it was mostly b/c I wanted Anna to think I was tough enough. But thinking back, she kind of gently tried to talk me out of it, or to let me know there was no pressure to ride it - she knew I couldn't handle it and she knew I was posturing and she really felt bad afterwards about how much it had freaked me out. And before it was always just a funny story, but now it's tender too, not just b/c I miss her, but b/c I realize how it really was just another little example of what a great friend she was. Maybe it sounds silly. But that's what I was thinking. And then the other day one of Josh's clients told him that he raises pitbulls and his prize mama pitbull was about to have a litter and that b/c Josh had gotten such a good outcome for him that he was going to name one of the puppies Feierman. This was a story Anna needed to hear. Which of course made me think of Simba and Puppa. Anyway, I get sad all the time about how she won't get to see her kids grow up, and for me, how she won't get to know mine as they grow up, but often it's all these little connections that are fucking crawling out of the woodwork that really drive it home for me. Okay, now I'm officially rambling. But may the force be with you as you go to birth the boy Lucian! And I was laughing out loud about how Anna would never have been a micro earthquake. Definitely not.
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