Still in Shock

I have written so many posts today and have deleted them. Too upsetting, too sad, too infuriating. And I still can't believe it's true.

Anna died at 12:48AM, June 29th, 2006

So instead of repeating the heartbreaking details of that day last year, I'd like to ask all of you to do a breast self-exam right now, to make an appointment for a mammogram if you are over 40 or if you have more than 2 relatives who have had breast or ovarian cancer. And to make a commitment to yourselves to check your breasts every month about 8 days after your period begins.

Health and love to all.

Miss you, sister. So fucking much.

What to say?

I don't know - it's the anniversary of Anna's death today, although it really felt to me like it was yesterday, since it all started happening on the afternoon and evening of the 28th. Anyway, kind of weird for no one to say anything about it, so I'm just putting it out there, although I'm starting to feel like I'm posting way too much over here - but somebody's got to do it. Maybe a day goes by I don't think of Anna, maybe. But I don't think so, and if so, not by much. Feels so long ago, feels like yesterday. I'm waiting for it to feel okay and it definitely doesn't, and maybe it never will, but I know it will feel more okay than it does now. I also have just been thinking about what a milestone this is for Chiq - a year - he's done it, taken care of Ruby and Dario, and Dario's surgery, and all of the daily struggles of raising two small kids in Manhattan - for a year - all while suffering from his own incredible grief. That's something, it really is. He is so strong. Like Anna - did what had to be done, no matter what. I admire that.

Memories from Louise

Dear Nina and Jody,
I am not sure why I am writing now rather than last summer when Kibby
sent me your email about Anna. I don't think I had any words then. I
keep thinking about her today. Maybe because I saw Puppa's ghost in
the dog park yesterday, although what he was doing on a beach in San
Francisco, I can't figure out. I lived with Kibby and Anna (and
Puppa) on 105th St. from '96-'97 after I finished at Reed, and moved
back to NYC from Portland. I have never loved los Knicks as much as I
did then. Or dollar-slice pizza. Or shopping at Fowad.
The last time I saw Anna was in April 2003--we met on the steps of
the Metropolitan museum. It was cold, so Anna had her gator on her
head. Her hug made everything warm. The next day, it snowed.
You must miss her terribly. I only knew her a for little bit, and
that was hardly enough.
With love, Louise (Hornby)

A year ago today

I'm sure all of us remember the last time we spoke with Anna. Sadly, the last times I actually spoke with her, she was so out of breath and out of sorts that we didn't actually really talk - just said hello and goodbye - she was in the hospital. Luckily, I had seen her about six weeks prior and we had a great visit, which I blogged about before. Anyway, it was really rough not being able to communicate w/her - if I had known the end was so near, it would have been even harder. So, when she couldn't talk on the phone to me, I decided to send an email and have Yummy print it up and take it in. I have that email and I look at it all the time. At first, I felt upset that I had not said more, told her how much I loved her, said goodbye, etc. But I don't think she wanted that. And the email was all about my day-to-day life and my kids and family, which is what we always talked about, so now it has a certain beauty to me - like it kind of captured a moment in time, a snippit of what our friendship was like, rather than weird and awkward attempts at something profound and final. When I was in NYC in May, having the great visit, Anna helped me plan Sophie's bday party. She was really into it and we would talk about it constantly - she really came up w/all the good ideas. I remember when I went to Ruby's 1st bday party I was like, "I will be a failure at parenting - I can never throw a party this fun." And sometime we should blog about Anna and Chiq's parties. A worthy subject. Anyway, it was a year ago today I sent this final email to Anna. Yummy later told me that Anna read it and laughed. That made me happyl. I don't know why, but I just want to share it here. Today is Sophie's b-day and I wish I could tell Anna about this year's party. She would have been proud of it too. Anyway, here it is.

Hi Dude,

So sorry you're in the hospital again and under such frustrating
circumstances.  I hope they can figure out what's going on soon
and that you can get some relief.  I figured that until you're up
to phone chatting again, I'll send you emails through my special
couriers.

Anyway, first thing I have to tell you is that Sophie's old-school
b-day partywas a smashing success, many thanks to your good party-
planning ideas.  I think 8 kids came, which I must say was perfect
- seemed like too few in theory, but was great in reality.  They
all played for awhile and then we played pin the tail on the Scooby
on the giant Scooby I made at Kinko's and which Sophie and I colored
in w/pastels.  I did, however, forget to make the tails and had to
just cut up some paper at the very last minute, while all the kids
werewaiting, and the tails were not worthy of the awesome Scooby
we'd made, but they served their purpose.  The winner put it
right on the tail, in the right direction, etc.  Clearly a little
cheater.  He'll be sorry once the other kids wise up to his
dishonest ways. Everyone got little foam stamps from Oriental
Trading Co as prizes.  They liked it.  I used one of Josh's
tube socks as a blindfold.  I thought I was funny.  Then more
"free play,"if you will.  THen the real hit - the fishing game.
Sophie and I had decorated a white sheet using her sea-life stencils
and I cannot tell you how excited the kids were by this game.  They
got little plastic squirty fish and sharks and glowstick necklaces as
prizes.  They loved it.  The glowsticks were very popular, which I
think made the little plastic fish and sharks feel bad, but
somebody's got to be the loser.  That was really it for the games.
They were all having so much fun playing hide and seek, etc, that I
didn't want to get greedy and try my luck at freeze dance.  I made a
box cake and we stuck Sophie's Scooby action figures all over it.
The book exchange was also a great success and everyone, including Sophie,
was really into it, and it allowed kids to have the excitement of presents
w/o my child having to accumulate (more) massive piles of plastic shit
and then having to write thank you notes.  One of Sophie's friends told
her mom it was the best b-day party she had been to EVER and that she
wanted a party at her house like Sophie's and w/the book exchange.
Now that's one satisfied customer.  I hope you feel some pride and
satisfaction seeing your party-planning protege come into her own.
Fuck yeah I threw a great party!

[deleted portiona about Sophie's CMV and an alcoholic relative]

Henry and Carina are good.  Carina is walking all over and does a
victory dance when she gets excited or achieves something new.
Henry has tantrums and throws things.  If he's not holding anything
when he gets mad, he'll crawl over and get something so he can throw it.
Cute, yet annoying, yet cute all the same - you understand.

Okay, getting late here.  I am thinking of you all the time and get
updates periodically from Chiq or Jody, or whoever answers your phone
in your room.  I love you mucho.

xoxo

H