Rock Anna

Anna's kickass guitar playing and inimitable song-writing must be chronicled. But, like lots of things, I'm just not at the chronicling stage b/c I just get too sad. Jody wrote recently that she thinks now of healthy Anna and not sick Anna as often. I do too. But I usually think of Anna in the past 5 or 10 years, when we were grown-ups, out of college. But the foundation of our friendship was built during our second coming-of-age: Reed College and the Portland era. Last night Josh and I were just randomly watching crap on YouTube and started looking at clips of Portland bands from the 90's and stuff about the X-Ray cafe, etc. It was making me really nostalgic. Anna and I used to wax nostalgic together about it, from time to time, as all of us who were there then did. It was so fun to think back about it and laugh - as Alicia would say, "Remember that time . . . " So last night we found our way to some old Hazel videos and at least two of them include Anna, but Dayglo has this great clip of her and Alicia and Anna just looks so adorable and so Anna and so young and so Anna and so vibrant and so Anna and I remember that shirt and that necklace and all of the hullabaloo about the shooting of that video featuring the nudie Emile. Anyway, there was just something about seeing her in that video that has just really set me off. I've just been so heartbroken and weepy since seeing it. Which annoys me at myself so much b/c I want to move forward and tell the fucking stories behind these things, like Anna asked us too. I want to write about Lovebutt and DEA and the crazy rock girls party at the house of rock. And as all of you as my witnesses, I will! I promise. And Emile owes us stories! Anyway, you can click here to go to the video (note the awesome young Jody, whose frontal lobe not being fully developed made her tempestuous and impulsive much of the time, but she sure could/can sing and play drums). I miss those days. Especially those days with Anna in PDX. We had so much fun.

October

This photo is from Halloween when Anna was 7. (Ruby is almost 7!) It was taken at Meadow Pond Elementary School (where Maggie and Annie now go to school!)

She was a tree. (...and oh yes, that is Nini in the back as a construction worker!)

Our mother had wrapped her in brown grocery bags covered in glue, had her roll in leaves and taped some pine branches on her head. (...even taped some leaves to her sleeves!)

As her oldest sister (I was 12), I thought this was the dumbest costume ever, and definitely, with out a doubt, told her so.

Needless to say, she won Most Original!

Anna and Otis

Otis, my son (!), came 15 days early on August 13th. Of course I thought about Anna throughout my pregnancy and wished almost every day that I could be sharing the experience w/ her and asking her advice.

When I found out that I had to have a c-section b/c Otis was breech. I was bummed, especially as it was all happening so fast (I was in active labor). And although I don't recomend a c-section, I did take some comfort in thinking that Anna had two and I imagined that her experience w/ ruby was a litle like mine w/ Otis (i.e., not a scheduled or pre-planned situation). Strange as it may sound, the fact that I had a c-section makes me feel closer to Anna, something we share from afar.

Also, I guess I always thought that I'd probably have a girl, but thanks largely to Dario, having a boy feels less strange than I think it would have otherwise.

Love,
Maud

Anna and Lucian

I'm pregnant with Anna's nephew, very pregnant, nine months pregnant. My due date is today and I've been anxiously wondering when this new little man will make his entrance. I've been thinking about Anna a lot these last few weeks, wanting to call her, to complain about the heat, the weight of my belly, my fears about having two kids.

I went to pregnancy yoga yesterday, hoping to get things moving. Anna would love this place. It's very hippie-groovy, with chanting and singing, dancing to Indian music, but also athletic-- some really hard yoga too. At the end of the class, we lie in savasana, a pose of total relaxation. I always try to take time to imagine Lucian, to connect my mind with his, my heart with his. I was concentrating on him and imagining his little head, and wondering why he was taking so long, why he hadn't come out yet. Suddenly, I had an image of Anna holding him, squeezing him and kissing him right on the lips. I immediately felt how safe he was with her, and knew why he hadn't come; who would want to leave Anna's hug? I asked her to give him her strength, her determination, her sense of humor, her love, her magnetism. *

I like to imagine them existing somewhere together in the inbetween. Kiss Anna for me, Lucian.

* As I wrote these words, the house began to shake very slightly. I went on line and found this:
"A microearthquake occurred at 10:31:15 AM (PDT) on Sunday, September 2, 2007. The magnitude 2.5 event occurred 13 km (8 miles) WNW of Lake Elsinore, CA."

It must not have been Anna; she'd never be a microearthquake.

just thinking about her today...

thinking how much she would have liked that ruby went on all the scariest rides at the south salem carnival without batting an eyelash.

thinking how proud she would be of what a great reader ruby is.

thinking how she would like to know that dario was the only one who helped plant my little vegetable garden, and is the only one who is truly delighted to see red tomatoes.

thinking how happy she would be to know that dario doesn't have to go for a heart check up for 6 months! (his longest between check ups, yet!)

thinking how unfair it is that she won't meet otis or her new nephew(when he is born).

thinking she should be in Fire Island right now in the rain with chiq and her kids.

just thinking about her today...

Letter to Anna

I posted this letter to Anna a couple of days after the anniversary of Anna's death on my blog (about my life w/my kids) and Yummy asked that I post it here as well, so I'm doing it:

Hi Dude,

It has been a year since you left our earth - it seems like yesterday and it seems like a long time. I miss you so much. I wish I believed in heaven so that I would believe we would meet again. B/c even though we are sinners both, I am sure if there were a heaven we would get to meet there again. And how fun would that be? We could smoke pot and drink bloody mary's w/o ever getting hung over and while someone else babysat the kids nearby. And we could lie in the most comfortable bed in the universe and chat and chat and chat and snuggle our babies. Just like we used to. But no heaven belief here, and you had none either, so unless we were both utterly wrong, which is impossible, we shall not meet again. I think of you so often and it pains my heart to not be able to share all that is going on w/my kids and in my life with you and to hear the same from you. The loss is so profound. But that just speaks to what a great friend you were. Even though you're gone and I miss you terribly, I have endless memories, and I have a part of you in me, forever. You were so strong, so comfortable about who you were and unapologetic about even your craziest ideas. I learned and grew a lot from being around you and following your example and through the love and support you gave me during times good and bad. You were there for the most important moments in my life, and I was there for many of yours. I wish I had been there more when you were sick. But I don't have many regrets about our friendship, except that it was cut way too short.

Why am I posting this on overpopulator? B/c I wish you were here to hear the stories I post. I miss your laugh a lot. And b/c you really understood being baby crazy, and crazy for babies and crazy in love with your kids and crazy with craziness b/c of your kids. You would not think I was crazy to want another baby. You wanted another, and maybe another after that. It was not to be. I remember how heartbroken you were when you first diagnosed w/cancer, when none of us had any idea it would take your life, and they told you that you probably should not have any more kids b/c of the estrogen. I feel so lucky to be here on this earth w/my amazing kids and yours are doing very well in spite of it all and I will always be part of their lives, I hope. Chiq and the kids are coming down to go to Oak Island w/us, like we'd done as families together for the last few summers. I know it would make you happy to know this tradition is continuing. I can't wait to see them all and to be there, but I also can't believe you won't be there too. It is going to be so hard. But we will have fun, just like you would have, and we will think of you and send all of our love for you out into the universe and hope that even if you can't feel it, that somehow it will make us all feel better, b/c you would want that too.

Love love

H

Dario's last day of school in Room One

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Zag big dig gig a plan we're going to the potty I miss Mommy and I wrote something and you have to read it. Can you read this that I wrote right here?

darrio (He spelled this himself and typed it. He also said " Amy, I miss Mommy can we write a letter or something?").