Love, Fear, Grief, Anna, and Anne Lamott

When Anna and I were at the beach together in the summer of 2005, right after she'd finished chemo but before she'd started radiation, and before the deadly spread was known, she told me about how she had really enjoyed reading Anne Lamott's book "Traveling Mercies." Anne Lamott is a hippie, ex-drug-addict freak and a writer who is also a Jesus-loving Christian. Now Anna and I, while not always agreeing on everything by any stretch, hate(d) organized religion, especially of the Christian persuasion, with equal vigor. Anyway, Anna recommended the book to me, saying that even though Lamott loved Jesus, that the book was funny and interesting and that the way Lamott described loving your kids cut to the heart of that terrifying, wonderful, all-consuming love for your kids and was so moving that I should read the book, and that the way she discussed loving Jesus was interesting and funny. Of course, I got the book, but I started to read it that fall, when the cancer came back, and one of the things happening in that book is that Lamott's best friend, Pammy, was dying of advanced breast cancer. I couldn't bear it - I liked the book, but never got through it. However, recently I read her book about the first year w/her son, which also discusses Pammy's illness a bit - "Operating Instructions" - and it made me laugh and really moved me. Lamott also lost her dad to cancer, and her words about that grief have really stuck with me and have inspired me. She says:

"I don't think you can ever really get over the death of the few people who matter most to you. It's too big. Oh, you do, the badly broken leg does heal, and you walk again, but always with a limp."

Somehow, even though some might call it bleak, I find this so inspiring. Because it acknowledges that things will never be the same, but that of course they will go on. Sucks to have a limp, but better than being doomed to a life of prostrate grief. And that limp, to carry it with you, is to carry Anna with you, IMO. Maybe I'm crazy, well that's not in dispute, but my point is just that this really brought me some comfort and so I'm posting it here.

Another thing Lamott said about grief that really has me thinking is something she said about her friend Pammy's grim breast cancer prognosis:

"What are you going to do? Life has got to be bigger than death, and love has got to be bigger than fear or this is all a total bust and we are all just going tourist class."

Love being bigger than fear is something Anna lived, as much as anyone I've ever known or probably ever will know. To think about this makes me want to follow in her footsteps.

Ruby is 7 !!

Ruby's gymnastics Hannah Montana party at Chelsea Piers in NYC!!

Chiq pulled off a great party complete with pastelitos, veggies and dip and "cool" goodie bags -- but most importantly, a fast running, jumping, spinning and rope swinging, thrilled and smiling, giggling, Ruby.

Anna would be very proud...and definitely would have been swinging off the rope and jumping into the pit.

Contributing to the delinquency of a minor?

Al Bleyle, aka Junior, sent me this story:

I was 15 and visiting Portland for a few weeks in the summer, 1995 i suppose, and my sister Jody was busy doing something so I spent the day with Anna, who was her housemate at the time. What I remember from that house: That picture of Anna and Emil with her standing on top of him with a gun I think, circa Love Butt... that photo was on the wall. I remember going on Ben and Jerry ice cream runs for everybody at a nearby Plaid Pantry or 7-11. But most of all I remember Puppa, who was my favorite. I was not intimidated by his psychoticness. When he got crazy I would just laugh and get excited. The majority of the time he was just a playful loving dog, and we would roll around on the floor for hours. So anyways, this one day i spent with Anna that summer, and we drove in her Volvo 240 to go to the movies. We saw "The Hunchback Of Notre Dame", the animated Disney one. It wasn't very good at all, which was really disappointing because the other Disney movies of that era had been real good; The Lion King, Beauty and the Beast, etc. This one marked the beginning of a new slump for Disney, or at least marked when I stopped paying much attention... Anna didn't like it either. Maybe because the movie was so bad, or maybe just because, Anna asked if I wanted to drive home. I'd never driven before. I was a few months short of getting my learners permit in New Hampshire at fifteen and a half. Also the car was standard I think... maybe I'm making that up. Either way, I had no idea about driving, and told Anna just that. She said she'd teach me, and we could take back streets the whole way, and I'd learn quick. Well...... well sure, I decided. My hair was green, I was fifteen, it was summer, why not? So I get in the drivers seat and pretty soon I'm on the road. Anna was confident in me the whole time, but really what made it easy was our joking back and forth about running over children or pet cats. I made it home fine, the most nervous moments being when I crossed major streets, but really it was no big deal and ever since I've thought: Driving? Yeah Anna taught me that!